Please fasten your safety belt we are about to take you for a ride.

There are many stories on the internet of pilot and flight attendant humour,

From the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!” *

how hard done by they are by the passengers, but not so many about how the passenger fares at the hands of these cattle herders.  

“Passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing their seats, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”*

They wake you up when you’re sleeping to feed you, they block the isles with duty free when your desperate to get to the loo, they take hours to answer the call attendant bell when the guy next to you is having a cardiac arrest, they flirt with your partner, and ignore you totally when handing out the alcoholic drinks

On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”*

If  you’re in economy class they think they’re superior. 

From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”*

And  they can be smart arses.

“The boy asked the flight attendant, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?” The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?” The little boy admitted that she did. “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you.”*

My worst experience with flight attendants was a on a plane flying to Singapore.  We were coming in for landing, everyone was buckled up, when the girl next to me started to fit.  Before she blacked out she asked me to pour water on her neck as it helped to keep her from going under.  The seats behind me frantically hit the call button as we poured bottles of water over her head – hard to do with seat belts on.  No one came to help us. We tried to get her onto the floor of the plane to stop her hurting herself. No one came to help us.  She came around and threw up on me – no one came to help us.   The plane landed and still not one member of the cabin crew came to help us.  I helped her off the plane and the crew just watched.  

On landing, the flight attendant said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.*

Well we were certainly something they didn’t want left behind in the plane.  After all dealing with two people covered in vomit may have soiled their uniforms.

“Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”*     

Could not have put it better myself!! 

“”Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”*

But at least some passengers get the final word

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down? “*



* Surfer Sam – Internet


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